Lazing on a Sunny Afternoon…

at home, with a long programme of live football stretching away into the afternoon and evening. England are sportingly trying to get the cricket finished as quickly as possible, to minimise interference with the football. Good of them. Should be a nice relaxing lazy day. But I don’t like lazy days. I feel the urge to do something worthwhile, instead I’m writing this blog. It’s a strange thing, the creative urge. I should be happy to just enjoy a nice easy day off. Instead, I want to write 1,000 words of mean-spirited criticism of MTV, Justin Bieber, Americans and anything else that happens to be popular.

So today, I’m going to write a nice blog. One where I don’t complain about anything. Where I don’t urge ill fortune on anyone.

How nice. The Welsh fans are booing God Save the Queen. Maybe they just don’t like the tune. And Craig Bellamy has done that thing of his again, where he shakes hands with John Terry without actually making eye contact. And chews gum in a very conspicuous manner while doing so, which my mother always told me was rude. Why can’t they just get along? Remember, this is a nice blog, so I’m not going to say anything mean about John Terry. I just hope he is getting treatment for his sex addiction, and he can patch thins up with his wife. And his girlfriends.

I’d also like to take this opportunity to be nice to Brian Cowen, who hasn’t annoyed me for several weeks now. I wish more politicians would do the same. Quit their job, retire and crawl back in the bog they came from. I hope it’s nice in that bog, and there’s plenty for Biffo to eat there.

I’d also like to be nice to Justin Bieber, instead of wishing death on him. With all those fans, it’s only a matter of time until he gets syphilis. I hope it doesn’t kill him before he is driven to drink and drugs.

I’ve said a lot of things about Americans too, so I’d just like to make clear that I’m not anti-American. I love America as much as the next person. Ok, that probably does make me anti-American. But for the record, I think there are many excellent things about America that we ingrates in the rest of the world do not deserve to share. Such as rock’n'roll, the internet, the Simpsons and Tomahawk missiles.

Lastly, while I’m being nice and not criticising anything (even the weather is lovely today!), I hear Jedward are representing Ireland in the Eurovision this year. What an exciting opportunity for them to leave their native Ireland, and go out and see the world! One that I fervently hope they will make the most of. I wish them well, and hope they will spend several long years touring the world before they return home.

Well, that was nice. Now, back to the football. Where the niceness will dissipate in a matter of minutes. Football, for me, is like cigarettes. I know that overall, it doesn’t make me happier. It doesn’t make me a better person. It’s probably bad for my health too. But there are occasional moments of pleasure which makes it a habit I just can’t kick. At least it’s cheaper than cigarettes.